Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Being Nice

Of the many blogs I read, Mason Dixon Knitting is one of my consistent favorites.  And tonight I just read the latest installment.  About turning 50 and feeling liberated and becoming more frank.  And to stop trying to be liked all the time.  To stop being Nice.  Lord, that is me in a nut shell.  I've always tried to please, to be liked.  I've been in the middle of many a family dynamic, both growing up and now.  My 81 year old mom and I share a home with my two girls, 16 and 11.  Now isn't that an interesting dynamic right there!  Talk about being in the middle...between my girls and my mom I'm usually trying to negotiate family peace.  Sometimes with good success, other times, not so much.  And frankly it is exhausting.  At work I support a team of people so even there I'm helping other people. Which I'm usually good at.  But I'm to the point of wondering how much longer I can carry this load.  I love my girls.  I love my mom.  I won't go so far as to say I love my job, but it is a good job, I like it, I like the people I work with.  I'm just struggling with boundaries right now.  Trying to "make everyone happy."  While it may work for them?  This usually means I'm the one not so happy.  My mom is aging.  Brings more issues all the time.  My girls are growing and pushing their boundaries.  Nothing that isn't normal or common.  My girls are good and funny.  They are just teenagers (nothing you say will persuade me that my 11 year old is NOT a teenager yet, just ask her).  Just a tough combination at times.  I have been silent here more than not simply because I struggle to just keep up my happy face right now.  I'm a kind person and won't be cruel but man lately I've been short with people.  Some may call it being "frank"  I'm not sure what to call it.  But it isn't who I want to be.  Right now the only thing in my life that I feel any true sense of control is my spinning/knitting!  And even they try and push me around at times.  smile...I'm here.  Just trying to find a balance in my life right now that seems so out of reach.

1 comment:

Chris said...

While not having been through everything you've described, I've certainly been in that "balance? what balance?" place before. You're not alone! It's not a cure, but I always find it helps to replace small, stressful things with more beautiful things. (For example, instead of listening to the news on the radio, listen to an audio book.)